There’s a sink in the undergrowth. Trash everywhere. The walk into work is secluded enough that, although it is still categorised as ‘nature’, people don’t feel guilt when they throw everything to the vines. First few hours were nice. I was thinking about the Trojan epic cycle. I’m obsessed with Homer and Virgil. I was thinking about how the Iliad is History’s greatest action story and how the Aeneid focuses on the tragedy of a man with the weight of fate on his shoulders. Aeneas doesn’t want to roam but must. He must find a way to be a great leader like Priam or Hector. Unlike Odysseus, who is desperate for home and will stop at nothing to get there, Aeneas doesn’t have a home, and every time he finds one for him and his people it’s not the one the Gods have chosen for him. I don’t see Aeneas as a bad man, or a bad leader. He’s the last surviving hero of the Trojans and must carry that weight even if he feels he can’t. Virgil was good. Then work hit me and I was left thinking about where I should go in life. On the way home my neighbour appeared and asked me if wanted a lift. He had been out to buy onions. The conversation ended there.
The Odyssey (Super Quick Version)
Telemachus: My dad might be alive.
Suitors: He might not.
Telemachus: Lemme check
Suitors: Ugh, whatta bitch.
Telemachus: You heard about me dad?
Nestor: He’s somewhere.
Telemachus: cool.
Nestor: Ask Menelaus.
Telemachus: You heard about me dad?
Menelaus: I beat up a fish and he told me he’s reet.
Telemachus: cool.
Helen: Woe is me.
Odysseus: Can I go home now?
Calypso: No!
Hermes: Yes!
Calypso: Fine.
Odysseus: I’m going home now!
Poseidon: No.
Odysseus: I HATE THE SEA!
Odysseus: Yo, I’m naked.
Nausicaa: I can see that.
Odysseus: Can I see your dad a sec?
Nausicaa: I guess.
Alcinous: What’s your name?
Odysseus: None of your beeswax.
Alcinous: Fair, wanna see some sports?
Odysseus: Ye.
Bard: Sings about Troy.
Alcinous: You crying bro?
Odysseus: Yes, but it’s because I’m Odysseus.
Alcinous: GASP!
FLASHBACK
Odysseus: we’re a bit off course.
Crew: Cool. 420 blaze it?
Odysseus: No.
Cyclops: Imma eat you.
Eats some crew
Cyclops: Who are you?
Odysseus: Nobody.
Clyclops: Fair.
Odysseus: BOO MOTHERFUCKER!
Cyclops: Ouch, my eye!
Odysseus: BTW My names’ Odysseus.
Cyclops: My dad (Poseidon) will beat you up!
Aeolus: Here, have a bag of wind.
Odysseus: Will this get us home?
Crew members open it looking for gold
Crew: Not any more, also we’re back where we started.
Odysseus: I hate you all.
Odysseus: Moar wind plz.
Aeolus: Naw mate, you’re cursed as shit.
Odysseus: awww.
Odysseus: OH FUCKING HELL! NORWEGIANS!
Norwegians eat men, also break boat
Odysseus: Go check out island. Don’t eat strange things.
Crew: You gottit boss.
Circe: Eat this.
Crew: alright.
Pig noises
Odysseus: Where’s me crew?
Hermes: Pigs mate. Eat this.
Circe: Hey, eat some of this not poison
Odysseus: Sure will.
No effect
Circe: Don’t kill me.
Odysseus: Want me men back.
Odysseus: Where do I go?
Circe: Hades, bitch.
Odysseus: ugh fine.
Odysseus: Hey guys!
Ghosts of Achilles and the others: Hey!
Odysseus: How do I get home? Also, Hi mum!
Tiresius: Don’t eat the sun cows.
Circe: Have fun?
Odysseus: Sure did!
Circe: Don’t listen to the sirens.
Odysseus: Don’t tell me what to do.
Odysseus: Tie me up and cover your ears.
Crew: …
Sirens: Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you/ by now you…
Odysseus: It’s so Beautiful!
Odysseus: Mind the six headed monster.
Six crew members get eaten
Odysseus: Also mind the whirlpool.
Odysseus: This is the sun cow island.
Crew: let’s chill here.
Odysseus: No.
Crew: Yes.
Odysseus: Don’t eat the sun cows.
Crew: Okay.
Odysseus: What are you eating?
Crew: Sun cows.
Helios: THOSE BASTARDS ATE ME COWS!
Zeus: How terrible.
Helios: DO SOMETHING!
Zeus: Ugh, fine.
Whirlpool (Charybdis): Eats the ship, kills everyone, spits out Odysseus
Odysseus: Whelp…
Odysseus: Where am I?
Calypso: Hello new husband!
Odysseus: That didn’t answer my question.
BACK TO NOW TIMES
Odysseus: …And that’s my story.
Alcinous: Cool, wanna lift?
Odysseus: Can I have some gold too?
Alcinous: Why not.
They flump Odysseus on to Ithaca while he’s sleepin’
Poseidon: How Dare you help him! breaks ship
Phaeacians: We’re sorry.
Poseidon: We cool.
Odysseus: Where the fuck am I?
Athena: Home.
Odysseus: Ye right, hahahahaha O shit I am!
Athena: Imma make you look old so you can sneak like a sneaky snake.
Oldysseus: I’m an old beggar.
Swineherd: I like you old beggar!
Oldysseus: Lemme tell my long boring origin story All major bullshit
Swineherd: Fascinating.
Telemachus: I’m home!!
Swineherd: Meet new friend.
Oldysseus: whispering to his son BTW I’m yer dad.
Telemachus: Hey dad.
Oldysseus: Imma gauge the suitors.
Telemachus: they’re all dicks.
Odysseus: I can see that.
Also Odysseus’s dog dies and it’s super sad.
Penelope: Who are you.
Oldysseus: I knew Odysseus once.
Penelope: he’s my husband!
Oldysseus: YoU DoN’t SaY.
Athena: Get the suitors to do some bow and arrow shit.
Penelope: Why not.
Penelope: Anyone that can string Odysseus’ bow and shoot an arrow through these axes can marry me!
Oldysseus: Step aside gents Does the thing
Suitors: GASP!
Oldysseus: That’s right, and this isn’t even my final form!! Turns back into Odysseus
Odysseus, Telemachus, the Swineherd, and the Cowherd turn into human blenders.
Odysseus: Hey wife.
Penelope: Hey husband.
Odysseus: Hey dad.
Leartes: Hey son.
Then Odysseus hangs his unfaithful house maids and it’s pretty fucked up. He spares two suitors though, including the Bard cus he was chill.
Citizens of Ithica: WE’RE ANGRY, HE KILLED OUR SONS!
Athena: You’re not angry any more.
Citzens of Ithica: WE’RE NOT ANGRY ANY MORE!
THE END
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