Peaceful Haiku

A moment of calm.

Petals rest on the water,

As still as the stars.

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Nocturne

I couldn’t make it home before the rain began to fall

I’d seen the storm clouds drifting in;

For some reason I relented from rushing home

I guess I wanted a little time to myself to think.

 

I’d been savouring the city lights and their warmth,

Candles on tables in the restaurants;

My footsteps echoed through the close knit streets,

The clock sped by in old familiar haunts.

 

It was behind a brightly coloured drink that I had in the dark

When I started to dream about my bed,

I thought of the route through the districts and the park

To get home and rest my weary head.

 

Now I’m steadily walking through the gentle rain

The streetlights hide the forgotten moon,

And I couldn’t help but feel a little satisfied

When I turned the key and came into my room.

 

And I lay down and I fell asleep.

Overreacting a Bit

I have a compulsive fear of philosophy,

Existentialism makes my skin go prickly

And any notion of something bigger

Makes my heart flutter for a moment or two.

Didn’t used to be like this, hell no!

I was happy with the philosophies I had

Nothing scary, nothing bad,

Confident in my identity and all that;

Then this summer, this bloody summer!

I became fantastically afraid of everything.

Oh well, it’s going good otherwise.

I Went to a Marvellous Party: A response to the Noel Coward song of the same name.

I went to a marvellous party

It really wasn’t so great,

For people from parliament

Came by in their garments

From the family tailors

I hate –

Ghastly golds and silvers and bows

With black coats covered in snow

And hats made from tropical birds,

But haven’t you heard?

Lord Arnold came in already drunk on gin

With a girl on his arm from some family farm

That he’d found in the local Inn;

And the state he was in my God I cried

I looked him up and down

Gave him a frown

‘You’re divine it’s true,’ I lied.

 

But it was a marvellous party,

For Beryl from the herald

Came by with a pen in her hair

And lipstick all smeared on her face;

Oh what a state! She’s seen Tenerife

In the spring, she’s seen India in the fall

But London at midnight

Was the single sight that

She loved that most of all –

I believed her barmy, totally mad

I chalked it up to the wine and the

Many pills that I’d had!

And the line that escaped me

That set the beast free

‘You’re an amalgamation,

A collected mass of some

Ghastly creature from the sea!

What with the colours from France

And the scandals from Rome

It’s a wonder you had the dignity

To walk out of your home!’

And thus the blood was boiling

Several centigrades high;

Such an explosion or exquisite implosion

Would surely make the night.

 

It was marvellous though

Can’t remember nought

But I think that it went down

Better than I thought,

For I found my shoes on the roof

And Alfred asleep at my door

And several pictures

Predicting the ruin

Of some men from the House of Lords.

It’s clear from sparse recollection

That I was the belle of the ball!

And I couldn’t have liked it more.

This is a Thing

The parrot women with their pails

In the middle ages all have ale

To waste away the Friday after next,

The voted in the ex-president

Of somewhere without precedent

Cus he was the only one to read the text.

 

The rebel man with his masonry

Did something out at sea

That no priest in any case would dare to do,

But it was Roman in religion

And English in tradition

Trying to find the drug to get over you

 

Na-na-na’s come from the radio

Like Spain or Mexico

With the water wobbling like the pigs

In the restaurant with the concert

Concertina player happy with his dollar

And change.

 

Night life, fireflies, somewhere in Greece

Ruined by my being overly obese,

The horn player compliments my choice in dress

But like an envious romance

We argue when we dance

And then find ourselves in needless distress.

 

I’m cautiously optimistic, hyper realistic

Happy with the walking stick

To travel over mountain and monument alike,

But I know how it feels

When you’re in heels

And you get out on the third strike.

Such a Song (A One Act Play)

EXT: outside on a pleasant street in London. The sky is a healthy summer blue and there is very little noise. All is well and warm in the middle of August. One issue is the piano rapidly falling to earth, which will unfortunately land on two police officers dressed in blue sharing their final conversation. Pray for OFFICER KAY and OFFICER YEW.

 

Officer kay: Well what a day to be destroyed, hey old chap?

Officer Yew: Aye, I’m glad I had the last slice of my old lady’s pie this morning

Officer Kay: Oh doesn’t she make a stunning pie

Officer Yew: Yes I would say it’s exceptional

Officer Kay: I’ve always loved your wife

Officer Yew: Is that so?

Officer Kay: Yes. Her breasts are perfect

Officer Yew: (Nervously) Well she is certainly a looker

Officer Kay: I wish I’d taken her to Long Island for a long weekend, I’m sure every new day would burn just for us

Officer Yew: I hate your wife.

 

The piano continues to fall. Estimated time of arrival: 6 seconds

 

Officer Yew: I wish this damn piano would hurry up, I’m expecting a child in an hour

Officer Kay: Boy or girl?

Officer Yew: It is definitely a boy or a girl yes

Officer Kay: Oh marvellous. I never had a child myself, can’t stand them

Officer Yew: They are a bit of a handful sir

Officer Kay looks at his watch

Officer Kay: Ah, should be any second now

Officer Yew: I hope I get to finish my coffee

Both officers laugh fucking hysterically, almost choking due to lack of oxygen

Officer Kay: But never mind all this dilly dallying

Officer Yew: Yes I believe we should be dead soon

Officer Kay: What is your fat sister up to now?

Officer Yew: She’s a prostitute sir

Officer Kay: I knew she would go far

The piano finally falls on their soft, explosive bodies. They burst like magnificent oranges. The piano plays a dissonant note that the passers-by all tap their toes too. Coffee spills out into the road.

I’m Not Bragging, But (Classical Edition)

I sailed with Odysseus

I out-sang the siren

I lead blind Homer

To the asylum.

 

I crowned the emperor

I gave Virgil a line

I taught Apollo

How to keep time.

 

I decked Zeus

Hercules fell to his knees

I broke poor Jason

When I stole the golden-fleece.

 

Medusa lost her head

When I came to Rome

I used her disappointment

To turn a Minotaur to stone.

 

I won the war of Troy

In a matter of weeks

I took on Paris

Then I took on the Greeks.

 

I was around a while

All the legends are mine

Many heroes fell

But I had a pretty good time.