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This is a Thing

The parrot women with their pails

In the middle ages all have ale

To waste away the Friday after next,

The voted in the ex-president

Of somewhere without precedent

Cus he was the only one to read the text.

 

The rebel man with his masonry

Did something out at sea

That no priest in any case would dare to do,

But it was Roman in religion

And English in tradition

Trying to find the drug to get over you

 

Na-na-na’s come from the radio

Like Spain or Mexico

With the water wobbling like the pigs

In the restaurant with the concert

Concertina player happy with his dollar

And change.

 

Night life, fireflies, somewhere in Greece

Ruined by my being overly obese,

The horn player compliments my choice in dress

But like an envious romance

We argue when we dance

And then find ourselves in needless distress.

 

I’m cautiously optimistic, hyper realistic

Happy with the walking stick

To travel over mountain and monument alike,

But I know how it feels

When you’re in heels

And you get out on the third strike.

Such a Song (A One Act Play)

EXT: outside on a pleasant street in London. The sky is a healthy summer blue and there is very little noise. All is well and warm in the middle of August. One issue is the piano rapidly falling to earth, which will unfortunately land on two police officers dressed in blue sharing their final conversation. Pray for OFFICER KAY and OFFICER YEW.

 

Officer kay: Well what a day to be destroyed, hey old chap?

Officer Yew: Aye, I’m glad I had the last slice of my old lady’s pie this morning

Officer Kay: Oh doesn’t she make a stunning pie

Officer Yew: Yes I would say it’s exceptional

Officer Kay: I’ve always loved your wife

Officer Yew: Is that so?

Officer Kay: Yes. Her breasts are perfect

Officer Yew: (Nervously) Well she is certainly a looker

Officer Kay: I wish I’d taken her to Long Island for a long weekend, I’m sure every new day would burn just for us

Officer Yew: I hate your wife.

 

The piano continues to fall. Estimated time of arrival: 6 seconds

 

Officer Yew: I wish this damn piano would hurry up, I’m expecting a child in an hour

Officer Kay: Boy or girl?

Officer Yew: It is definitely a boy or a girl yes

Officer Kay: Oh marvellous. I never had a child myself, can’t stand them

Officer Yew: They are a bit of a handful sir

Officer Kay looks at his watch

Officer Kay: Ah, should be any second now

Officer Yew: I hope I get to finish my coffee

Both officers laugh fucking hysterically, almost choking due to lack of oxygen

Officer Kay: But never mind all this dilly dallying

Officer Yew: Yes I believe we should be dead soon

Officer Kay: What is your fat sister up to now?

Officer Yew: She’s a prostitute sir

Officer Kay: I knew she would go far

The piano finally falls on their soft, explosive bodies. They burst like magnificent oranges. The piano plays a dissonant note that the passers-by all tap their toes too. Coffee spills out into the road.

I’m Not Bragging, But (Classical Edition)

I sailed with Odysseus

I out-sang the siren

I lead blind Homer

To the asylum.

 

I crowned the emperor

I gave Virgil a line

I taught Apollo

How to keep time.

 

I decked Zeus

Hercules fell to his knees

I broke poor Jason

When I stole the golden-fleece.

 

Medusa lost her head

When I came to Rome

I used her disappointment

To turn a Minotaur to stone.

 

I won the war of Troy

In a matter of weeks

I took on Paris

Then I took on the Greeks.

 

I was around a while

All the legends are mine

Many heroes fell

But I had a pretty good time.

Romance

I’d take you where the sun hangs high

Where the sea birds shelter in the shade;

I’d steal you from the winter

Where the day only fades.

 

I’d give you promises I couldn’t keep

And every smile is as hollow as a jewel,

I’d let you play the master

If you’d let me play your fool.

 

I’d dance with you till the pale dawn

And tell you about our future

I’ve drawn the map, found the route

And I’ll be there with you.

 

And I’d let you stand with the stars

Leaving me on the shore;

I’d give you the chains

That don’t bind me anymore.

 

And I’d cry your tears in the morning

When I think that you’re not there;

It’s not that I want your sorrow

It’s to let you know that I care.

Getting Out

I need to run, and scream,

Howl out in the grey morning

Like a cat walking along the roof

Wet with last night’s shroud of rain.

I’d talk in puzzles and optimisms,

Listen to the advice of those younger than me –

Act without following the script.

I’d be so archaic as to take the train,

And roar through the night on the way

To another place, another country,

And then finally live the life I’ve written before.

Moaning

Ever get those moments where you think you’re gonna break

And what you’ve been planning falls dead on the deck

With an albatross around its neck, and you’re struggling

To find shore? Long questions and short answers

When everybody wants to know what’s coming next –

Well what do you expect? I could answer with adventure,

A flightless bird whose certainty leads to doubt

And even then I’m not so sure. I want to laugh

And collect in my arms what makes me feel alive

But I forget all that when I’m lost, and joy

Slips by. I don’t know. I just graduated.