I couldn’t make it home before the rain began to fall
I’d seen the storm clouds drifting in;
For some reason I relented from rushing home
I guess I wanted a little time to myself to think.
I’d been savouring the city lights and their warmth,
Candles on tables in the restaurants;
My footsteps echoed through the close knit streets,
The clock sped by in old familiar haunts.
It was behind a brightly coloured drink that I had in the dark
When I started to dream about my bed,
I thought of the route through the districts and the park
To get home and rest my weary head.
Now I’m steadily walking through the gentle rain
The streetlights hide the forgotten moon,
And I couldn’t help but feel a little satisfied
When I turned the key and came into my room.
And I lay down and I fell asleep.
The air is cool and the breeze is light
And the plastic leaves shiver.
It’s no longer hollow; the evening seems tender
And full. Everything is set right
From the weary shine in the wine glass
To the wash of blue that settles
On the sunset like spilled ink.
Now I have an hour to think.
It all settles, like fallen leaves
On the ground.
I have a compulsive fear of philosophy,
Existentialism makes my skin go prickly
And any notion of something bigger
Makes my heart flutter for a moment or two.
Didn’t used to be like this, hell no!
I was happy with the philosophies I had
Nothing scary, nothing bad,
Confident in my identity and all that;
Then this summer, this bloody summer!
I became fantastically afraid of everything.
Oh well, it’s going good otherwise.
I went to a marvellous party
It really wasn’t so great,
For people from parliament
Came by in their garments
From the family tailors
I hate –
Ghastly golds and silvers and bows
With black coats covered in snow
And hats made from tropical birds,
But haven’t you heard?
Lord Arnold came in already drunk on gin
With a girl on his arm from some family farm
That he’d found in the local Inn;
And the state he was in my God I cried
I looked him up and down
Gave him a frown
‘You’re divine it’s true,’ I lied.
But it was a marvellous party,
For Beryl from the herald
Came by with a pen in her hair
And lipstick all smeared on her face;
Oh what a state! She’s seen Tenerife
In the spring, she’s seen India in the fall
But London at midnight
Was the single sight that
She loved that most of all –
I believed her barmy, totally mad
I chalked it up to the wine and the
Many pills that I’d had!
And the line that escaped me
That set the beast free
‘You’re an amalgamation,
A collected mass of some
Ghastly creature from the sea!
What with the colours from France
And the scandals from Rome
It’s a wonder you had the dignity
To walk out of your home!’
And thus the blood was boiling
Several centigrades high;
Such an explosion or exquisite implosion
Would surely make the night.
It was marvellous though
Can’t remember nought
But I think that it went down
Better than I thought,
For I found my shoes on the roof
And Alfred asleep at my door
And several pictures
Predicting the ruin
Of some men from the House of Lords.
It’s clear from sparse recollection
That I was the belle of the ball!
And I couldn’t have liked it more.
There was a young knight who was vein
His outfit was never the same
He got his armour
From Dolce & Gabbana
And it would always rust in the rain
The parrot women with their pails
In the middle ages all have ale
To waste away the Friday after next,
The voted in the ex-president
Of somewhere without precedent
Cus he was the only one to read the text.
The rebel man with his masonry
Did something out at sea
That no priest in any case would dare to do,
But it was Roman in religion
And English in tradition
Trying to find the drug to get over you
Na-na-na’s come from the radio
Like Spain or Mexico
With the water wobbling like the pigs
In the restaurant with the concert
Concertina player happy with his dollar
Night life, fireflies, somewhere in Greece
Ruined by my being overly obese,
The horn player compliments my choice in dress
But like an envious romance
We argue when we dance
And then find ourselves in needless distress.
I’m cautiously optimistic, hyper realistic
Happy with the walking stick
To travel over mountain and monument alike,
But I know how it feels
When you’re in heels
And you get out on the third strike.
EXT: outside on a pleasant street in London. The sky is a healthy summer blue and there is very little noise. All is well and warm in the middle of August. One issue is the piano rapidly falling to earth, which will unfortunately land on two police officers dressed in blue sharing their final conversation. Pray for OFFICER KAY and OFFICER YEW.
Officer kay: Well what a day to be destroyed, hey old chap?
Officer Yew: Aye, I’m glad I had the last slice of my old lady’s pie this morning
Officer Kay: Oh doesn’t she make a stunning pie
Officer Yew: Yes I would say it’s exceptional
Officer Kay: I’ve always loved your wife
Officer Yew: Is that so?
Officer Kay: Yes. Her breasts are perfect
Officer Yew: (Nervously) Well she is certainly a looker
Officer Kay: I wish I’d taken her to Long Island for a long weekend, I’m sure every new day would burn just for us
Officer Yew: I hate your wife.
The piano continues to fall. Estimated time of arrival: 6 seconds
Officer Yew: I wish this damn piano would hurry up, I’m expecting a child in an hour
Officer Kay: Boy or girl?
Officer Yew: It is definitely a boy or a girl yes
Officer Kay: Oh marvellous. I never had a child myself, can’t stand them
Officer Yew: They are a bit of a handful sir
Officer Kay looks at his watch
Officer Kay: Ah, should be any second now
Officer Yew: I hope I get to finish my coffee
Both officers laugh fucking hysterically, almost choking due to lack of oxygen
Officer Kay: But never mind all this dilly dallying
Officer Yew: Yes I believe we should be dead soon
Officer Kay: What is your fat sister up to now?
Officer Yew: She’s a prostitute sir
Officer Kay: I knew she would go far
The piano finally falls on their soft, explosive bodies. They burst like magnificent oranges. The piano plays a dissonant note that the passers-by all tap their toes too. Coffee spills out into the road.
I just want to go to a far out swimming pool,
With a bar and palm trees and humidity,
And practice my act on the large fathers (aged 40)
And the indifferent bar man until I get bored
And swim away.
I sailed with Odysseus
I out-sang the siren
I lead blind Homer
To the asylum.
I crowned the emperor
I gave Virgil a line
I taught Apollo
How to keep time.
I decked Zeus
Hercules fell to his knees
I broke poor Jason
When I stole the golden-fleece.
Medusa lost her head
When I came to Rome
I used her disappointment
To turn a Minotaur to stone.
I won the war of Troy
In a matter of weeks
I took on Paris
Then I took on the Greeks.
I was around a while
All the legends are mine
Many heroes fell
But I had a pretty good time.